I seem to get pregnancy insomnia, and go over things in my mind a lot. I spent ages last night, as I do often when I wake up, trying to pinpoint the moment in that night almost 4 years ago when I should have said "NO!" and seen the midwives out of my home. It's really a moot point since I can't change what happened to us. I should never have allowed the first vaginal examination that sent them into panic mode.
Anyway, so I managed to get this out. Just in case you're wondering I'm not going for the sympathy vote, I just want to address this all and move on (again!)
Dear Midwife (who will remain nameless for the interests of this post),
I wanted to remind you of a choice you made nearly 4 years ago. A choice that has made a huge difference in my life ever since. This was the choice to send a young primip in labour to hospital after she had been labouring for some hours. This primip had no warning signs that indicated hospital transfer was necessary. Both mother and baby were doing fine, and continued to do so. However, once at the mercy of hospital protocols and timing, this primip was given a Caesarean Section for failure to progress. This was in fact your failure. A failure to be patient and trust the birth process and the young primips instincts; instead you chose to leave this young primip for the comfort of your own home, hearth and family (you didn't even say goodbye once you dumped me there by the way).
The primip is of course me.
Let me tell you another story. This is the story of how you made another choice. A choice not to send a midwife who was keen on homebirth and wanting to help encourage a VBAC, but instead to send a woman who wanted to warn at every oportunity of the dangers of VBAC, how rupture was actually more common than reported and It Will Happen To You. This despite having promised not to mention it once it was discussed at our first appointment: funny how it cropped up again every time I saw her. A midwife who knew that I had "needed [your] help" in my first labour, and would obviously need the same help in my second (I can't guess who would have given her that impression). A midwife who didn't seem in the least bit pleased for me when she arrived the day after I gave birth to my beautiful daughter completely naturally, at home by the way. I don't have to tell you that this was absolutely not the support I needed during that pregnancy, and the only encouragement I needed not to call for any "help" during my labour.
I should add that I chose this route not because I was afraid of you, or your colleagues, but because I knew without doubt I was more than equipped to do a better job without you. I knew having one of you around would cause more problems than it would bring benefits.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken in the night crying and wanting to scream because I am so ANGRY that I allowed myself to be bullied by you. I could have given birth to that first baby naturally if you had only believed in me, believed in birth. Instead of fulfilling your obligation as a midwife: the guardian of natural birth; you chose NHS protocol, and your safe job. I now have a scarred uterus because you wouldn't listen to my instincts and because you were tired and wanted to be ready for your appointments in the morning.
You midwives kept telling me how unfair it was to insist on a HBAC, how badly it could impact on you professionally if "something went wrong". Well how about how your decisions have impacted me for the last 4 years? Actually I don't think you care about what that has done to me, a live mother and baby is not all that matters. My CS was not necessary, despite what you may think you know from my notes.
This is of course not your fault or your problem. It is mine for having allowed myself to listen to you rather than my own instincts. I am the only one who has had to suffer through this, and will continue to do so. I choose to make this experience one that makes me stronger. More determined to ensure that women know the truth about birth. That they are empowered to make their own decisions based on their instincts, and that they are not undermined and bullied by small minded individuals who are only interested in their own careers.
I don't expect you will ever recieve this letter. It's a shame, because you need to change the way you practice.
Yours Sincerely,
Me
Anyway, so I managed to get this out. Just in case you're wondering I'm not going for the sympathy vote, I just want to address this all and move on (again!)
Dear Midwife (who will remain nameless for the interests of this post),
I wanted to remind you of a choice you made nearly 4 years ago. A choice that has made a huge difference in my life ever since. This was the choice to send a young primip in labour to hospital after she had been labouring for some hours. This primip had no warning signs that indicated hospital transfer was necessary. Both mother and baby were doing fine, and continued to do so. However, once at the mercy of hospital protocols and timing, this primip was given a Caesarean Section for failure to progress. This was in fact your failure. A failure to be patient and trust the birth process and the young primips instincts; instead you chose to leave this young primip for the comfort of your own home, hearth and family (you didn't even say goodbye once you dumped me there by the way).
The primip is of course me.
Let me tell you another story. This is the story of how you made another choice. A choice not to send a midwife who was keen on homebirth and wanting to help encourage a VBAC, but instead to send a woman who wanted to warn at every oportunity of the dangers of VBAC, how rupture was actually more common than reported and It Will Happen To You. This despite having promised not to mention it once it was discussed at our first appointment: funny how it cropped up again every time I saw her. A midwife who knew that I had "needed [your] help" in my first labour, and would obviously need the same help in my second (I can't guess who would have given her that impression). A midwife who didn't seem in the least bit pleased for me when she arrived the day after I gave birth to my beautiful daughter completely naturally, at home by the way. I don't have to tell you that this was absolutely not the support I needed during that pregnancy, and the only encouragement I needed not to call for any "help" during my labour.
I should add that I chose this route not because I was afraid of you, or your colleagues, but because I knew without doubt I was more than equipped to do a better job without you. I knew having one of you around would cause more problems than it would bring benefits.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken in the night crying and wanting to scream because I am so ANGRY that I allowed myself to be bullied by you. I could have given birth to that first baby naturally if you had only believed in me, believed in birth. Instead of fulfilling your obligation as a midwife: the guardian of natural birth; you chose NHS protocol, and your safe job. I now have a scarred uterus because you wouldn't listen to my instincts and because you were tired and wanted to be ready for your appointments in the morning.
You midwives kept telling me how unfair it was to insist on a HBAC, how badly it could impact on you professionally if "something went wrong". Well how about how your decisions have impacted me for the last 4 years? Actually I don't think you care about what that has done to me, a live mother and baby is not all that matters. My CS was not necessary, despite what you may think you know from my notes.
This is of course not your fault or your problem. It is mine for having allowed myself to listen to you rather than my own instincts. I am the only one who has had to suffer through this, and will continue to do so. I choose to make this experience one that makes me stronger. More determined to ensure that women know the truth about birth. That they are empowered to make their own decisions based on their instincts, and that they are not undermined and bullied by small minded individuals who are only interested in their own careers.
I don't expect you will ever recieve this letter. It's a shame, because you need to change the way you practice.
Yours Sincerely,
Me
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